I had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 32. BUT always thought I would still be able to be a mom and I would adopt. Now I am 48 and I am still not a mom and my happy ending is not going to come.
You hear stories of the struggles with infertility or adoption… Long journeys THAT always have a happy ending…
But that’s not what happens in my story…You never hear those stories.
I wanted to share mine. The one without the baby, without the happy ending.
Your heart aches for a baby so badly- BUT she is never in reach.
I know that feeling…
This broke ME in ways I never thought I could hurt.
I think back on what should have have been such an exciting time in our life… and how it turned to HELL.
We chose not to foster because I was concerned we would have to give the baby back if the parents got their life back together. That is DCF’s goal to reunite the baby with their family.
Have you ever heard about how private adoption works?
Lets talk about that STUPID book first. The book which to me is a brochure to market yourself for private adoption.
The book could make or BREAK an adoption. The problem is each mom can be a different market. So the book might work for one mom but not another. You don’t know your market so you will NEVER get in right
I feel like your setup to FAIL.
We spent weeks on our book.
Then starts the waiting game… and the WAITING and the waiting…
We were now on a list with 24 other families. The first mom that we were approached by let us spend time with the child; she was six months old. But it turns out she had also told a few other families they could adopt her. She was using us all and never had any intention of giving her up…
3 years later and nothing…. You get discouraged and what it does to you emotionally, really screws you up… why doesn’t a mom pick me…? I’m NOT good enough….? What’s wrong with me….?. I’m I’m I too old….?
So when a birth-mother doesn’t select you, you are crushed to your lowest point.
After 3 years my husband no longer wanted to try anymore. He is 8 years older and didn’t want to be chasing a 2 year old at the age of 55.
You SEE not only are you trying to fill that void in your heart of wanting a baby and whatever confidence you had is gone.
Because God made women to make babies and you can’t make those babies.
Woman who go through this with NO happy ending go through a pain that is like no other.
Rejected once hurts but REJECTED twice is hard. You wait around for that call that a baby is coming home to you.
That call NEVER comes…
So of course you think your DEFECTIVE. Why doesn’t she pick you? -because there’s something wrong with you?
You see the mind games that start to MESS with you.
Then a few months later out of nowhere we were approached about adopting a 9-month old baby girl. I was so hesitant at first. It was almost too good to be true… The mom had lost her rights and her sister who had the baby could not pass the adoption process to adopt her because her husband had some serious legal issues. The mom is a client from my office. DCF asked her if she had another family member or close friend that would want to take her. She thought of me. This case worker had us sold. She knew our home study was not current, she said would be fine and you will be foster parents while the home study is being done. I didn’t believe this… this was a miracle but I didn’t think I was WORTHY of a miracle…I wouldn’t let myself get excited…
This book which is filled with pictures of you, your family, your home and even how you will make up the baby’s room. It include a bio on you and you husband with a short note to the bio mom. MY book is basically a marketing brochure. You make this book but each mother can look at it in two different ways. If you include pics of all the things you’re involved in one mom might think you don’t have time to be a mom…. if you don’t put any or a few another mom might think you’re not involved enough.
THEN I finally thought is this really going to happen…? OMG — Holy Shit I am going to be a mom. I got excited and we started planning. We started to make arrangements, my mom was coming down to help. DCF wanted her placed within the week.
But THEN DCF changed their minds and were going down a different route.… No fostering… They said they want her to be adopted right away and I didn’t have a current home study. I was DEVASTATED. And I was so mad at GOD and I couldn’t understand why he was so cruel to dangle this baby girl in front of me to just take her away–
WHY…?
Of course I blamed myself, I doubted I was worthy of a miracle, did I not pray enough…? Why didn’t I fight my husband to renew the home study? You always hear the stories of all the struggles with infertility or adoption. Long journeys, heartaches along the way but always a happy ending…
NOT ME… You never hear these stories and so I wanted to share mine. The one WITHOUT the family, WITHOUT the happy ending and the one that your heart aches for a baby so bad but she is never in reach. I know what you are feeling. I am 48 and I know now I will NEVER be a mom to a baby or any child. This BROKE me in ways I never thought I could hurt. I really blamed God….……. I am trying to accept what will be and I can’t make God give ME a baby…
I still don’t to go places that are family oriented. It is still too hard. . I don’t blame God anymore. I will never know why he put ME through all that but I know God is a good God and he wasn’t trying to break me…
But some HOW, some WAY we don’t ever let anyone see our HURT… you see people don’t understand. We have to keep going and smile…. grieve those babies we lost and the babies we will never have.
There are so many children out there that need a loving safe home but they make the process so hard and difficult.
I decided I will only be a mom to my fur babies..
So I see your broken heart.
I see a smile on your face when you hold your friend’s baby. I feel your pain as you force yourself to be happy at baby showers. You are happy for them… you love them. But you’re waiting for your turn.
You have nieces & nephews who you play with, love on them and you revel in it, so you just don’t understand why NOT you.
Eventually you have to come to peace with the war between your heart and your body. When you found out its finally your turn, you spent every moment preparing. Buying all that you needed. Picking a name. You imagined the day you would take her home. At last, what you want most in this world would be yours. All of the heartache was worth it.
And then you got the call, that said you were not going to be a mother.
REJECTED hurts. But rejected by motherhood is a different kind of pain. You yearn so badly to have and hold a little angel of your own. Someone to love, and someone who will love and depend on you.
Birth mothers have the right to choose. But you also have the right to be hurt when they take someone away from you.. To be told that something about you wasn’t sufficient is a hard pill to swallow.
But YOU don’t get the happy ending.
You won’t have newborn pictures taken by your best friend. You won’t throw that ridiculous first birthday party and so many other firsts. Your loved ones attempt to comfort you by assuring you that you will fine. But you WON’T.
It leaves you negotiating your worth with yourself. It’s a battle few WILL EVER understand. People around you ignorantly try to help you by telling you to “just adopt another baby” or “do foster care,” and they mean well. They just don’t get it. Children that grow in the heart and not the belly are mourned in a different way.
You don’t have to do this ALONE anymore… there are more of us that are willing to use our voices.
We can get through it… we can hold our heads up high and not feel like we don’t belong… we are NOT DEFECTIVE… We do belong and even though that Hurt and loss will never go away… you are no longer alone in your grief.
Lets make some room for some LIGHT to come through and take away the darkness…
Maybe you want to share your not so happy ending story…?
Follow me on Instagram @nikkieclarkvogel and lets connect here.
