Have you ever cried until the tears would no longer come and your heart is broken in tiny pieces? —Had you ever uttered everything you hoped for from the Lord is lost?
And that’s me and you.
You will never forget those long nights of crying yourself to sleep ….some nights for only silent tears with all the other night’s —loud wails.
Then came the questions “why Lord what am I doing wrong…… why won’t you just fix the problem and the prayers would end with” if it is your will “—hoping that his will was different and it was yours.
And those nights you would curl up in bed under your covers and hope this time it would happen.
When you believed everything you hoped and dreamed for was lost…. It was hopeless. You would never be a mom— But what you didn’t know …. was his unfailing love or you…?
So, how do you let go when God keeps saying No?
You wanted something more than you wanted anything in the world, & God had said, “NO”. This door is CLOSED it is DEAD-BOLTED.
So, what now?
You just walk away like that dream you wanted never existed? That yearn to hold your child in your arms.
There is only so much we can do and when we reach our limit, our FATE is simply out of our hands & totally in God’s. Why can’t I twist his arm & make Him say yes to something?
You have anxiety, doubt, fear – Will you be able to live with walking away from everything you had hoped for… Your DREAMs? That desire to be a mom.
I needed to STOP TRYING to figure out why.
You have spent so many years trying to figure out why someone else was blessed and not you. And you FAILED every time… Then you become disappointed in YOURSELF.
It became this vicious cycle…I have learned I am CHASING something that I will never know the answer to.
But I hear this faint whisper from God,
“Have no fear of the unknown, stop trying to chase it…You will never catch it. The doors that I have opened no one can close and the doors that I close no one can open. When you start to accept that door has closed and the fact that it will never open, an understanding of who I am can start to fill your arms with other dreams”
God has blessed you behind so many other doors, that you have not wanted to open.
Because once you open the other doors are you giving up?
God’s NO means He does not want that for your life.
HE says,” I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future”
We cannot see what is coming BUT we can trust that God sees and knows all things and most of all he loves us! —HE is looking out for what will make you your best and what will give Him the most glory.
The NO is a part of His plan. Hope in that.
A NO is catastrophic and BRUTAL because its FINAL and you no longer have room to hope for being a mom. If I stop praying or wanting does that mean I gave in and gave up? Does it mean I finally surrounded? or Does giving up mean I failed? Was everything you hoped for gone?
His mercy for us is meant for us…. he is faithful to us……God ‘s word is alive and active.
During those desperate nights you would long for your circumstances to be different . You cried in-till the tears could come no more, many times you felt the pit of despair but when I remember how faithful he is and his mercy for me ….my arms will no longer be empty.
DID the circumstances around my pain change because I remembered…? No, what changed was my Faith.
A FAITH I had to have so I could DARE to BELEIVE in what I could not see and the STRENGTH to let go of the FEAR, my HOPE was to have the COURAGE to be BRAVE when I am SCARED and be BOLD enough to TRUST God will lead me through his open doors.
Hope means to wait with expectation and this is what I choose to do during those harsh nights…… are you in need of hope today…… will you choose to remember his love and mercy for you despite the hopelessness around you …? will you dare to hope…? I-will remind you… of his faithfulness… his love and ….and mercy towards you…I dare you to have hope, even with life around seems uncertain and unfair…
Mourn the loss. Give yourself permission to feel that, It’s ok to say I have had enough and I DO NOT want to hurt anymore… What if I FALL… but oh what darling, what if you FLY…So today I am jumping high to aim for new dreams…
Read more about my childless journey -http://racinginheels.org/category/my-childless-journey/